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Grace After Fire Garden Blogs

Express yourself.

Posted by eddygt
eddygt
The new year already flying by so quickly. I don't make resolutions for the new
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on Saturday, 27 October 2012
in General

My Small World

I don't know where to start.  I have a non-existent support system.  Yes, I know black and white statement.  I am sober 101 days today.  Vivtrol is the SHIT!!.  I intentionally didn't go to women's group at the VA Thursday.  Now I will be explaining my behavior to my psychologist (Dr. Way) on Tuesday. Never mind the fact that I bitched for four years about not having a women's group and now that we finally have one I don't show up. I just didn't want to talk about the fact my dad called me a couple of days ago.  He stopped calling when I got a DWI July 19th.  I don't know if it was because of the DWI because he never responded.  I feel very alone and lonely which are actually two different things.  I didn't want to tell the group I had contacted an ex- boyfriend (Rob) that was emotionally abusive.  The last time I spoke to Rob until recently I told him, "Until you are willing and capable of treating me with respect do not contact me."  The two friends/aquanantices that I do have outside of the VA (Kim & Becca) bashed me about it.  I failed miserably trying to explain to Dr. Way why I contacted Rob but he only pushed a little.  I sometime think Dr. Way lays off because he doesn't want me being defiant and doing exactly what he suggests I don't do. Thankfully Dr. Way is not parenting me as much as he used to do.  Although I didn't realize he was parenting me until almost three years into my treatment with him.  Of course me saying  "I like him" didn't go very far but my rebuttal of "Just because I contacted him doesn't mean I am going to tolerate any abuse" ended the conversation.  I am tired of being alone.  I am no longer in bars with people I thought were my friends actually dysfunctional drunks like me.  I don't work.  I didn't grow up or go to college in the area I live in.  I want to be around smart people that I have something in common with.  Rob and I are both Fishery Biologist.  Dr. Way told me last we spoke, "I'd rather you be a little snobby then pretend and act like your dumb to fit in."

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The new year already flying by so quickly. I don't make resolutions for the new year. I hope I continue to grow and develop happiness what ever that is!!

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melbell
melbell
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melbell Saturday, 27 October 2012

Firstly, congratulations on being sober for 101 days!

What the psychologist was probably trying to do was to make sure you know that you have the right to make your own decisions. Therapists are supposed to support self-determination. I can understand why you contacted your ex... you had a connection at one point, and when you feel alone sometimes it's nice to recapture that for a moment. But, the fact that you are questioning the decision yourself shows that you may not feel it really was the best choice.

You can build a support system near you. You said you were volunteering, and that could be a great opportunity to build some friendships. :-)

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